More Coffee Please

Everyone and his brother seems to be listifying rules for life these days. So here’s my totally random list of wisdom, at least as it bubbles to the top of my mind at the moment:

1. In matters of plumbing, the answer to the question “Gee, do you suppose there’s still water in that pipe I’m about to cut?” is always “Yes”.
   Additionally: Is it under pressure? Yes. Should you listen to your wife and put a bucket underneath, just in case? Yes. Is she going to roll her eyes as she makes a dash for the bucket and mop? Yes again.
2. The successful installation of any sort of plumbing fixture always requires blood sacrifice. Mine, usually. If you ask me to help with plumbing you can be pretty sure it’ll be me who gets gashed/squashed/sanded/cut.
3. Always pee before you get on the subway. The one time you think “oh, never mind, I’ll be home in twenty minutes” is the day there’ll be some massive delay and there you’ll be all squashed in there with twenty million other crabby people, and you with a bladder the size of a planet.
4. Margarine is nasty. Buy butter.
5. If you had a night of hideous insomnia, wash the sheets. Otherwise the insomnia cooties lurk in your pillows.
6. As I discovered two years ago, always sit in the second of two exit rows on an airplane.
7. Things on which one should not scrimp: facial moisturizer. Cat litter. Chocolate. Champagne. Tea. Jewelery. Concert tickets.
8. Things which are perfectly good even though they’re cheap: non-Champagne sparkling wine. Train travel.
9. Mayonnaise is not food.
10. Neither is eggplant.
11. Nor zucchini. Do not sully your body with these non-food items.
12. Hit the “Save” button every time you pause for breath.
13. Don’t litter. It won’t kill you to put whatever it is in your pocket.
14. Shovel your sidewalk.
15. Corrollary: Shovelling a neat path from your front door to your SUV while completely ignoring the sidewalk? Not cool. You will go to hell for that.
16. Things you can do without but once you have them, there is no going back: air conditioning. High-speed Internet. Dishwashers. iPods.
17. Libraries are truly wonderful places. Get to know yours.
18. Life is a whole lot easier and more interesting if you are not squeamish.
19. You come home and the kitchen is clean except for some yuckies in the drain which have been abandoned there by your spouse. You could think “that %#$%@ NEVER cleans the @#&^^# drain!” or you could think “hey, the kitchen’s practically clean — now all that needs to be done is to clean the drain”. Option #2 is better for your mental health and probably your relationship.
20. Nonetheless, try to remember to clean the damn drain if it makes your spouse crazy when you forget.
21. Rock, paper, scissors can be a very efficient decision-making tool.
22. Quantum physics is very cool but it will make your brain hurt.
23. If you need to replace a wax ring on a toilet, buy three. If you buy one, you’ll wreck it. If you buy two, you’ll wreck them both AND have a sore back from lifting the toilet twice. If you buy three, you’ll get it right on the first try.
24. Don’t buy bottled water if you can help it. It’s absurd to package a zero-calorie item in plastic and then use yet more fossil fuels to ship it elsewhere. Let’s save the fossil fuels for shipping stuff that really matters, like the raspberries from Peru that make February survivable.
25. Find work you like. Life is too short to do something you hate every weekday for forty years.
26. Vote. If you don’t vote you don’t get to complain.